I’m No Void-Filler

I had a little text exchange with The Dom yesterday morning and to be honest, I wasn’t going to write about it because he’s out of my life now. I’m grateful. I wasn’t yesterday when we had our text exchange and I was angry but now, after talking to some people and getting a different perspective about things, I’m glad I got out when I did.

He told me I wasn’t disposable to him. After I explicitly told him weeks ago he WAS NOT to read my blog anymore and he agreed, he read it and then was stupid enough to message me with a rebuttal… Repeatedly. When I wouldn’t respond on Whatsapp he tried iMessage, then email, then Twitter… Take a fucking hint buddy, I don’t want to talk to you. Oh, I can keep blocking too. Except it’s not like that time with The Director when I didn’t actually want to block him. I want you blocked. I don’t want to hear from you again.

To be honest, this entire situation is my own fault because I didn’t listen to my gut instincts. I hold my hands up to this one. My bad. Even though I knew giving him my number was a bad idea, I still did it. Even when I knew meeting him was a bad idea, I still did it. Even though I knew having D/s-style phone sex was a bad idea, I still did it. I wont go as far as to say he MADE me do those things but I will go as far as to say the guy was a master manipulator. He knew what he wanted and he knew how to get it. That’s what he does. He’s a Dom.

That’s why he only dates bloggers. (His words)

He can read what’s in their thoughts and manipulate them with the information afterwards. (My words)

He said it was funny how I could tell him about those other guys I’d been dating but it wasn’t okay for him to tell me about someone he’d met and who had been making him smile like crazy. It just made me realise how much I do for men like him and how little they appreciate it, or even notice for that matter. I’d stopped dating. My internet dating profile was hidden. I’d stopped talking to people and was making a conscious effort to ignore guys who would fuck my head up and mess things all around. But I wasn’t making myself available for The Dom and I made him aware of that. I DID tell him to do his thing so I guess in a sense, this is totally, one hundred percent my own fault. I told him to go fuck another chick so he did.

The reason I didn’t see other men, didn’t see The Director when he repeatedly asked me or meet up with Someone New when he kept harassing me to make a date, was because I was trying to clear my head out. The Dom knew that. When he kept suggesting we meet up again I told him I wanted to wait for a while…. From all of them, not just him. I figured that was the sensible choice? And I was dealing with all the men who kept fucking with my head too. I got closure from Jock and I’ll be honest, since the purge, I’ve not looked back. I got closure from The Director (admittedly a bit late) and I’ve not looked back. I was doing all the things he asked me to do. Stop playing around with all those other guys. Not just for his benefit of course, for my own too, but I was still doing it.

I hadn’t even written in the blog properly because I knew, despite him promising he wouldn’t read it, he probably would. I was honest with him, I threw myself into work and let those men go… And here I am.

He told me that he’d met her before he met me, they’d been falling in love over the last two months and he’d decided not to tell me until he knew things were serious with her.

Ouch.

He’d been falling in love with this girl over the last two months yet still pestering me for our D/s sessions… He’d been telling me all about this girl’s past, making me think it was just a work-thing!! Not just telling me about her past, he was telling me little snippets of her fucking secrets. Just one week ago, he asked me if I wanted to ‘play’ hours before telling me more about this girl, their plans together, and her fucking secrets.

Just a week and a half ago he was showing me pictures of sunsets ‘back home’ and telling me how he wanted to take me there, telling me he loves me, telling me how cute he imagined I would be pregnant.

Just two fucking weeks ago, he told me how his kids thought I was ‘dad’s cool girlfriend’ and how he’d spoken to their mother about me.

What the fuck? 

When another blogger asked me who my Dom was, more warning lights started to flash. She told me that there were a few men like that on Twitter doing the rounds and I should avoid them like the plague. After doing a bit of cyber stalking I realised half the women out there tapping their hearts out were doing so because of situations and men just like The Dom. Maybe not a ‘Dom’ but definitely a man like him. God, I’m a fucking cliche… Again.

When I was talking to another female friend, a former sub, I told her about the time I’d lent The Dom money to go and see his kids. She told me that her Dom had been a financial liability too. It must be a Dom thing? I don’t have much to compare mine too admittedly but two out of two financial burdens kinda proves my point… Doesn’t it? Again, I’m a fucking cliche.

At the time, I figured I probably wouldn’t get it back even though he’d promised to do so ‘ASAP’. I actually wrote about it at the time, starting a post about mixing money and dating but thought better of posting it. I wish I had now.

I brought it up in the heated text exchange, just to see what kind of reaction it would provoke. Turns out, exactly the one I figured it would.

He told me it was funny how people were so disposable to me and that he would invoice me for some work so I could write the money off as an expense. That’s why he doesn’t like to borrow money from ‘friends’.

My response: “The friend you’re borrowing from couldn’t afford to lend it to you in the first place but did it because she’s not a cunt. Keep it.” 

I knew it. Do you know why I knew it? Because I’ve been here before. Jock, Big Love, Hubby…

Raaaaaaahhhhhhhh!

Fuck it. I’ve had my rant now. I feel much better. The guy’s an asshole. I hope they’re very happy together. In fact, I don’t care so much. I just don’t want to hear about it. I don’t want to ‘sort myself out’ for the guy who DID have a ‘line of quirky girls’ waiting to fill a void.

“She managed to fill a void that had been killing me for a while. A void I wanted you to fill and that you refused to for reasons that still elude me…”

I’m no void-filler, thanks.

K, bye!